approaching to the end of 2004

Reflecting upon this year, i have found out that i have changed somehow but how much..... curbing fears isnt really very easy, everydae its a new challenge to curb that fear in me.... somethings r so difficult to put in words...but actions say it all.... i know i shodnt think too much.........but i wanna noe more...

Christmas eve

sometimes, i dun realli like christmas....

It makes me feel so lonely...its like everyone is in pairs or in their group of frens...

Even though i have my own group...the emptiness is still there...

Tt's y i always leave my group.....on tt dae...

it's like e feeling of being alone is so beautiful, but yet sad also

alone u feel urself..when everyone is busy with themselves...

u will noe urself better....but at the same time sinking into this deep hole of saddness that u can never escape at all....

Christmas...wishing u have someone special with u.... but again....christmas n a new year....

leads to a new beginning, a new start N also a new END to end with....

we n e com lab e whole dae again

our life is soooooooooo boring...either researching, homewk or arguin over theories n tactics that's it...i'm nuts

hmmm...somethings to reflect

sometimes i dunno whether m i happy or sad...

y r emotions funny things...to take it hard on urself or let urself go...

i wanna just lift my wings n fly into a safe arms where there is nothing at all to feel

if emotions can torture one, it can also satisfy one...

i wanna a place where there is a void...

it like...mint, let urself go...it will be much better....

emotions...makes one hold on so dearly...but y...

its like on a thin strand of string...once it snaps,it snaps...so hard to piece together again...

hmmm...scary isnt it?emotions control u entirely...

fear what is it? fear of what? fear of fear itself..the feeling of it...

e whole week

sorri abt my not constant updatin, was far too busy.so nw i shall update u with e latest news. Here it goes... from mon to wed, was skl n more skl....had a tough time in doin e ntu challenge... with new problems everydae, tryin to find my role n keep up with e grp....haii, my life is soo boring... next... thurs-tried to play pool with sharon n her grp of frens..glimpse of life is nt easy to see n be accepted...everydae i learnt a new thing just to tell u, i cant play pool veri well, is like i play so many times but still pocket so many white balls n keep missin e target........ Fridae-as usual skl again, ntu thingy is realli takin up my time... something crazy in e mornin though... went to skl in mr leow's car with gabriel...everyone got a little shock when i came down(by e way, me n gabriel r neighbours) at night, caught a movie with e guys..watch e national treasure...it was realli good... saturdae-went out for cip...met a few unwanted pple.. kept disturbing me cant take it lor.. realli pissed me off..pls if u r nt doin for charity with ur heart..get out of my sight...all they do is for money n no morals...watever... after tt went with mao mao to safra todae...tryin to sell candles... saw e one there..dyed his hair red..omg... didnt tok at all, n stuck to gurls e whole time... i realli envy them with their life so enrichin..at least they can turn to something they like n all i'm stuck with is my books e whole life i see them so happy ,i feel alittle envious... probably i'm still searching for myself.. who noes..i will never find it at all....

y e world like that...

Tot i will be happy but i'm not.. sometimes things n situations not in our control....

myabe i m to emotional....plz let everything pass....

Missing someone important

ohhhhhhhhhhhh i just came back from ntu i tell ,its so tough there lor.... OMG....one of the talks was on forensic medicine...n e doctor show us pictures of corpses ohhh....y they nv prepare us before hand..scared me stiff,kept crying for like 1hr with all e other jc people around...learnt a bit though E professor was so nice to treat us dinner for two daes ... n e other jc pple were like so envious of us...hahahaaha but i enjoyed myself alot..learnt alot of stuff there.ITs damn cool.... i wanted e labcoats so badly...if onli i could have it oh labs r so nice,imagine keep working in it nonstop ok..its been 2 weeks i havent seen someone around..mao also... i down with missing pple syndrome , esp e moose n mao it's like so long before i saw them ahhh..so sick oredi.. i want skl to start...but if skl start i will fall even more sick

E dae before the NTU JC CHALLENGE

hmmm.many things to pack ,cant seem to organise things ok people, little minty is goin for a short trip to ntu... wont be around... wonder how's mao n rach is doing....y they nv respond....wah...so upset but nv....i will be busy anywae, cant wait to see them again... oh ya just to report...i wish the person happy birthdae oredi.. yup.i make sure he recieved it...ov msn....

IMPORTANT FOR MAO N RACH

mao and rach i'm here very lonely...... u better send me postcard or i go nuts

P.S:u better send ah...or nt i will really go crazy.i goin to email u my home address.......check ur email

wahhhhh......i miss u two

must send

must send

must send

i'm lonely

Ahhh!Ntu jc challenge is around the corner....cant wait for it.... but now, i'm bored n lonely...... mao is gone......off to australia for two weeks.... hai....no one to complain to...if onli she was around oh bother.......someone's birthdae is ard the corner n i havent send the card yet...shod i give it personally anywae,its just a fren right? where's mao mao...............sad, lonely minty u have here.....

A day to think about

Hmmmm, lessons learnt today.Never, never trust boys when they are trying to play a trick on you. So mean of them, make me cry in Burger King today where everyone is around eating away. I tell you, i cry like for 1.5 hrs. I was like sooooooooooooo upset u noe. Anger at myself on WHy i acted so stupidly. In the end they apologise and tried to make me happy again. No going onto the details on wat happened.It is tooo embarrassing. To KW n JON: I forgive you, but plz dun joke on this type of thing again.It hurts u noe...scared me for life(haha, as if). Oh ya, bought a new pair of earings,eyeing on it for a few months oredi.hmmm, on the bus home, i found out something very important but i feel very helpless, cant seem to do anything. well, that's life that moves at a pace which is very fast, cannt catch up though.People changed n situations keep happening.ok watever..... I feel frens r important.but plz i value honesty alot, so if anyone is unhappy with me plz tell me.thanx. time to sleep nw........

MEow

i luv being a cat i luv my frens n finally i found my long lost fren YEah.......................................... No more words can express my feelings Dunno wad to do anymore i'm goin crazy i want school,iwant school I duncare just wanna go school......

feeling the blues

i feeling really out of place these few days there's a reason, but not going to talk about it. haiya,these few days, everyone around me leep teasing me especially mr leow n the class. peace is up...yup, feeling very peaceful. but it doesnt feel so real. i have learnt to let go in some areas oredi, cant expect to much. Gonna c a psychologist soon, it is gonna be a tough journey.it is so scary, but c whether it opens another door to my life...

Dare You To Move by Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet

Welcome to existence

Everyone's here

Everyone's here

Everybody's watching you now

Everybody waits for you now

What happens next?

What happens next?

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

Like today never happened

Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout

Welcome to resistance

The tension is here

The tension is here

Between who you are and who you could be

Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

Like today never happened

Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell

Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

Where you gonna go?

Where you gonna go?

Salvation is here

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

I dare you to lift yourself

Lift yourself up off the floor

I dare you to move

I dare you to move

Like today never happened

Today never happened

Today never happened

Today never happened before

Y like that....

Y like that..... Thought that i wod be happy that pw is over for good. but it doesnt seem so.... i feel that nothing could make me happy though..... wonder wat wod truly make me smile frm my heart... Everyone has 2 faces, including me.... but no one lets it out..... i wanna be free forever but will always be bounded reminds me of a song in my convent daes....

Some birds live in cages, but never learn to fly

and like those birds i never found my wings

but lord your love release me

so i could see the sky

and now i'm soaring as i sing

Spirit wings

you take me up above of the earth bound things

and like a bird i'm soaring, soaring free

and of your all, your spirit wings

oh lord of all

you take me up

you lift me up, your majesty

i'm soaring free in your spirit wings

eh, i think tt's roughly the lyrics, can't really remember though >.<

Exams over or finally here...

Exams, exams......Y do i fear soooo much? Some how or rather , the fear is deep in me....... ok.watever.i dun care anymore Wish i was back in my convent days.... Where life was free and easy.... miss those daes where me n the e girls would go out n play together life is sooo boring now Everytime there is a holidae,i will think of them.... It makes me wanna cry, i miss them so much.... actually, i treasure people around me but i may be too dependent on them Was quite afraid tt i wod lose them one dae... This year my birthdae was one without them, abit weird though Thinkin back,to grow up or be stuck in that little happy world of mine,ignorant of everything around me?

Everyone is tired because of me

I'm draggin everyone down..... Due to my crying, everyone seems very tired oredi after one year....esp mao. every single moment, she just always stood there n i watch me cry.... I think she feels helpless about me as she can't do anything.i'm glad she's there though. But i can tell she's very very tired, no more energy left to take care of me.... After all, she can't spend alot of time on me.I should just solve my problem on my own... It's to much a burden for others to bear. ok people, just wanna say a big thank you though... To mao:i will c a doctor,sorri ah....keep bothering u....havent been totally honest with u actually... one dae i will tell u y i'm crying, probably after i say, all the crying will stop...

me and myself

confused person....

Emotions running high

Exams are just over...feeling of relief, regrets and worry.Actually i quite worried in keeping my 4 A'level subjects. Ok, hope i will do well......hope mao n me can stay as classmates for 2 years..... reflections of the day...... 1. I'm getting even more confused as the days passed. It seems like more people getting wind of my situation. i dunno wat i'm feeling anymore. it's all messed up now.hope it wont go any deeper. 2.M i myself anymore? it seems that when i found one part of me, i lose another part of me. everyday keeps changing.......somehow i wish time wod just stop, but it is impossible at all. Can't take it...... 3.My situation finally....should i make a move first or just wait?seems like alot of people can't stand him....i wonder y.....but he seems like he doesnt care at all.ck say i shod just give up,it is impossible....mich say i shod say it out, so i can get the rejection and give up earlier,instead of letting it drag for one more year.. How wat to do?i'm lost, VERY lost....somebody... Oh well,i should let nature take it's course.After all, anything happen in this world will always have a reason behind it, i believe....

To share a day with someone u luv

Today was leonard's farewell party.A time for relections.... 4 months just passed by so quicky.Just recapturing the times when we see leonard and michele together, now seeing her alone is just not right. You can see that she was not her usual self todae.well, i wod think if i was in her shoes, i wod be also struggling with inner feelings.Imagine trying to seem ok when you are not.It's not a nice feeling, trust me.The class was superhyper though, keep throwing people into the water. For me, when i see michele suffering inside, i tot abt myself too.Sometimes i wonder why being there for someone when he treats you as you are nonexistant.....It's painful. Which is more terrible...the one you luv is goin overseas for very long or the one is always there but dun notice you at all.

I want to be isolated

I can't take it anymore! i hate everyone bothering me in the family. i goin to isolate myself from everyone at home now. i goin to mug so hard like nobody business.dont care wat the rest think. gonna do me my way.I hate it....

I hate holidaes

Let me tell u this.I hate holidaes.... Full of homework and project to do. Actually,it's the loneliness that i cannot stand.hai...... This holiday is a busy one.Full of things to do. Cant help missing someone........

A Day in e hospital

hmmm.Spending a day in the hospital. My first time visiting a fren in hospital.At least, after seeing him, i felt much better.I was so worried.But he seem ok to me now.hai. i cant believe it.really.I got shocked at mao mao when she told me wat happened todae. Actually,i m quite grateful to her, she help me alot really. Thanx mao.

A busy day

Todae,my professor came down. Hai.We spent 8 hrs doing experiment,somemore in a standing up position.wah.My legs are so painful.I m so scared.Prof say tt maybe we have to present our experiment to the school.Oh no.Now everyone will laugh at my name.Hai. At least, i have learnt something new todae.I really want to watch him play but i keep avoiding him.hmmmmmmmm

A fine day

Todae, i was really happy but i dunno why.hahaha The day was going pretty fine until chemistry lesson.Hmmmmm. Was he telling the truth?I wonder..... Then the class laugh at me when i help someone take his paper. Oh no.The teacher will noe it now.

A stressed up me

Today,sian.......... Trying to cope with my cca and school work. I m stuck in the middle,trying to handle stress and emotions. Actually,i love thursdaes.No work to be done in the night. Talking abt work,I got three projects on my hands, m i crazy or wat! hai.If only he knew...., I want to say something to him but i just can't. Oh ya, i went to the library with rachel todae and heard her life story.So interesting.Make me think abt myself.Reflections....